Warning: I don’t even know what this is. Is it even coherent? Maybe not.
I will admit that I am not currently my best self.
It is with much self-depreciation (and as vaguely emo music plays through my headphones) that I morosely admit as much, but I feel that makes the statement no less true.
I’m trying, really. Honestly, I am. But in spite of my effort, May is… hard. Very hard. Occupationally, life stuff, the anxiety making me soincredibly self-conscious/self-aware… (Just gotta survive a few more weeks until I can stop playing phone tag with potential counseling due to opposing schedules… I really did try, though.) I’m trying to stay cheerful!
In any case, this relates to the blog in that my stats have stagnated to levels unseen since over a year ago, and… I mean, I only published 3 posts this month so far, so that’s fully understandable. (I sadly haven’t even had time or ?fortitude?—is that the right word?—to READ blogs, much less write my own content…)
But even knowing this, I’m feeling a bit down, because there are bloggers who have been at this for perhaps as long as I have with greater successes, and while I am ENORMOUSLY grateful for the traffic I receive… Sometimes I hear the stats of blogger friends, and numbers that I normally feel soproud of and humbled by… make me feel like I’m not good enough or something… It’s hard to explain without sounding ungrateful, which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Um… let me try again.
I try to enjoy myself when I write, and perhaps I’m not the edgiest blogger or anything… but…. maybe my content is lacking somehow. Maybe the things that I write are not what most people want to read? I’m okay with that, with just being ME, but everyone wants to grow, right? I just wanna make sure that my blog is on a healthy overall trajectory. Most of the time, I feel pretty good and even optimistic about this, but lately…
This has nothing to do with you wonderful readers and everything to do with me potentially being a sub-par blogger. I dunno…
I just… I dunno. ( ; ; )
But I’m so happy with my little blog’s support!! We are not explicitly multitudinous in number by some estimates, but you are all kind, supportive anime compatriots, and I am thankful for every last one of you! ❤ We are smol but mighty!! I hear horror stories about people who are unkind within AniTwitter and the Blog-o-sphere, but I have been so blessed to receive nothing but support!! ❤ I love knowing that you care about my rambles! I love interacting with you! You guys rock!
I’m just… feeling insecure. About my work, about who I am as a person, and about LIFE. About everything. The blog is just one of those many things, and the area most relevant to the platform.
But the other day, it got so bad that it was truly a struggle just holding it together at my workplace. My hands were actually shaking and my thoughts spinning and I was stuck. It was the worst it’s been at work, because usually I’m able to at least put aside the worst of it while I’m responsible for something so important, but now I just can’t. It never goes away. I don’t get a break any more, and it’s evolved into something bigger and more multifaceted than it has ever been or I ever expected.
I… I just need a vacation. So I can stop playing phone tag with the counselor. And maybe I can sleep peacefully again.
And I thought I’d make the poor decision to blog about it! WOO!
On that vein, I *think* I’ll be doing something to jump start my motivation come July when I *should??* have more free time?? (BUT ALSO I’LL BE IN COLLEGE AGAIN, GOD WILLING.
But I can’t let these thoughts get me down! I rally myself every night and in the morning. I try to sleep. I try to keep going and smiling and laughing as I always have. “Just X more days,” I tell myself. Then I can breathe. Then I can get better. Then I can rest and sleep as much as I want and be lazy and I dunno…
My life could be MUCH harder. I’m SO lucky, SO blessed. My life is easy compared to so~ many people who are sick or hurt or don’t know how they’ll pay their bills. I know it’s the anxiety doing this to me. I know it is.
Having said that, here’s a music video to change the tone of the post. I think it’s pretty necessary. Hold on…
Okay, that’s feeling better. I needed that.
Like it says, “When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood—gonna drown ’em out.” Even when those impaling words come from my brain, I gotta hold on to that sentiment. And when anxiety makes me wanna cry, well, then, “another round of bullets hits my skin; well, fire away, ’cause today I won’t let the shame sink in.”
No. “I won’t let them break me down to dust…” Anxiety is the them, right? And when it makes me awkward and makes me feel lacking, “I’m NOT scared to be seen! I make no apologies! This is ME!”
But maybe I don’t like who I am? I used to like who I am? I do like who I am? I… just don’t know. How many times can I say that?
eugha;eiogba;ideghe;w What am I even doing anymore. This is basically stream of conscious word vomit.
Gosh this is so hard.
I’m sorry I’m doing this to you guys. You shouldn’t have to read this, but here you are, probably reading this.
I intended to give a blog update, and now I’m doing this ill-advised thing, whatever it is. But at least I’m around, right? I’ve actually got several posts in the works, but none of them are quite ready yet, those being: romanticizing abuse in Hana Yori Dango (anime), DBZ re-written as a Shoujo, a review of Ancient Magus’ Bride, and—potentially—THIS in July?!
I also think I’ll do a giveaway (I have lots of stuff assembled!) when I reach 200 followers! 😀
And so it is with much love that I end this post. Take care of yourselves, guys. You deserve happiness and to strive for the happiness of others. Breathe deeply, acknowledge how fortunate you are, and I’ll be here trying to do the exact same thing.
“This is brave.” You are brave.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤