“Please help–I need technological advice” (or, “Don’t hate me for this anime-less post; I’m at a loss.”)

Warning: The first point on the "Consideration List" deals with the following: I live my life fighting sometimes near crippling, probably always irrational anxiety. My biggest irrational fears at the moment include STDS and pink eye (again, I am exposed to neither of these and don't plan to be, but I'm hopeless). Anyway, buying a phone---different …