It’s 12:33 AM, and I’m thinking (compulsively).

As they do for many, depressing thoughts like to flutter through my mind at night. Tonight’s features are selfish. They include:

Everyone I love the most is going to die someday. Those I cannot stand to lose, I will lose. I do not want them to die for a multitude of reasons.

I’m mortal. It’s scary. I have feelings about the fragility of life; can you tell?

The future is uncertain in no uncertain terms.

As someone with OCD who struggles with compulsive thoughts/fears, they aren’t easy to force from my mind. Compulsive thoughts are not as manageable as normal unpleasant thoughts or fears. Further, I habitually worry that I’m a terrible person and obsess over past mistakes.

I chose to give myself grace when I can. It works for some things. Most pre-adult things. Anyway.

My OCD has gotten worse because living in a pandemic is awful, but you already know that last part.

I attempt to give them to God, but everyone has struggles.

I feel much better now having written this out. It’s the equivalent of confession almost. I am validated.

Yes, I feel much better now.

I’m ready for sleep now. If I may make a request, if you pray, please pray for my family. Many of the members are facing difficulties right now, and they could use your prayers for health, healing, wisdom, and fortitude.

Thank you. ❤ You are loved, unique, and wonderfully made. Good night.

2 thoughts on “It’s 12:33 AM, and I’m thinking (compulsively).

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