“That isn’t funny at all, but it almost sounds like it should be?”

TL;DR — My update schedule told me to blog. I have pink hair. Graduated college again. Anxiety is awful. Random oversharing. I’m making questionable choices. Our house is infested by ants. My Husband and I have different emotional needs, and that’s okay.

My blog schedule says I’m supposed to update about my life today. Though I frequently fail, I am at least trying to have some semblance of a regular posting schedule, so…

Hi.

I’m tired.

I’m sure most of us are tired. *hugs for you*

I just have to survive a few more weeks of work responsibilities until I’m out for the summer and can hide in my house in peace, but my anxiety is… bad. Like, really bad.

Last night and today have been particularly unpleasant. I think that my mental health has again begun impacting my physical health, too.

Anyway, I’m basically holding onto common sense rationality by a thread. 🙂

There are many days I’m too afraid to touch my doorknobs to even go into my back yard or the garage. Did I have difficulty with doorknobs before the pandemic? Yes. Was it nearly this bad? No. And I was regularly going to counseling and I think making pretty good progress, before all this…

I also [redacted]. And that’s probably TMI, but here we are.

On the positive side, maybe this pandemic-induced awfulness will put things in perspective, kind of like hurting my back did. After I did that, things I usually worried about before did get a little bit easier to handle, anyway. Like… I would tell myself, “It could be worse. Yeah, the movie theatre seat might give you head lice, but you can walk now. Priorities.”

So, I guess after the pandemic, maybe I’ll be all… “Yeah, bad things could happen if you touch that, but will it give you or someone you love killer virus? No. So chill.”

Maybe it will work. A girl can dream. My brain is pretty stubborn, though.

I’ve been taking take less of my anxiety medication in an attempt to wean myself off of it because a family member said [redacted]. (WHY WOULD THEY EVEN GIVE ME THAT TO WORRY ABOUT, KNOWING MY BRAIN???? *sob*) I think I lost a fight with my anxiety… about taking medicine to fight my anxiety. That isn’t funny at all, but it almost sounds like it should be? I haven’t talked to my doctor about it. I’m doing this unadvisedly. I DO NOT RECOMMEND YOU DO THIS. DO NOT DO THIS. I regret doing this, and I feel like I’m suffering physical/mental consequences, but I’m too far in now to turn around. That might be worse…? Maybe I should suck it up and call my doctor.

Yeah, I really should.

Moving on from that, because PLEASE let’s move on from that, my hair is still pink. I am a raspberry and I feel no shame about it. In fact, it’s a silly, inconsequential thing that makes me feel a little better when I glance in the mirror. I am very taken with Overtone, and if you’re in the mood to change up your color, I recommend giving them a look. (If their stuff is back in stock, because I’m not sure if it is yet. Totally understandable.)

Our house has been invaded by ants, and I don’t blame them because it’s been raining a LOT lately, but they’re still crawling everyplace and I wish they’d at least keep to themselves. I don’t mind sharing my office, but can you stay off of my body and my computer, ants? I would appreciate that very much.

It’s spring. I want to go outside, and not be scared to go outside, but OCD has no logic.

Do you ever feel like you want to help people more, but you’re struggling just to keep yourself moving forward in a mentally healthy way? Like… that’s where I’m at. I want to be doing more, but getting out of bed feels like an achievement at this point.

Husband has been coping in his usual ways: denial, landscaping, occasional frustration, and withdrawing. When Husband’s overwhelmed, he needs space. When I’m overwhelmed, I need togetherness. It can be hard to find balance when we’re both overwhelmed, but we do it. We’ll probably cuddle up with a movie tonight. Because he’s holding his own, and Lord knows I need it.

I love that boy and he loves me. At least we’re in this together. He’s a blessing.

Oh, I finished college again, finally. After almost a decade of higher education, I never, ever, want to go back. Never. No, thank you. I’m done, I’m glad. And when I feel it’s safe to do so, I will celebrate with people who love me. But not now.

I hope you all are doing well, and if not well, at least okay. I hope you’re holding it together. I hope you’re finding joy in little things. I hope you’re taking walks, if it’s safe. I hope you’re making bread, if you want to. (Homemade bread is really good. I made some a few weeks ago.)

And just… yeah. That’s all I have.

Stay safe. You are loved.

~Shoujo 🌸