I’ve put it off for weeks and weeks. Months and Months? A year?
Finding a counselor is always difficult. Any time one endeavors to better their mental, emotional, or social health, it’s hard. I had all of one positive experience seeing a counselor during my Freshman year of college (in the midst of a major depressive episode). I later transferred to a school several hours away, and things slowly got better, but services weren’t readily available at my new school, even when I sought them out.
I don’t really want to talk about the past. My emotional health has been greatly improved for a while now, but when one mental health issue takes a vacation, another of my foes steps in to cover its shifts. For the last few years, my anxiety–a common issue for people with ADHD–has skyrocketed. The older I get, the worse it seems to become. I can’t cope with it anymore on my own.
I’ve mentioned my anxiety before, at least in passing. I can’t touch things. I can’t tidy my house half the time because of it, even something as simple as touching clothes that have touched something questionable in the outside world. I get so burnt out trying to make myself stop compulsively washing my hands, and I’m going to destroy my possessions through the overuse of Lysol cleaning wipes and sprays. I dread simple illnesses like pink eye, not because they are incurable, but because I know what introducing the bacteria/viruses will do to my safer, cleaner spaces at home, and I can’t abide it. I’d totally break down. And don’t get me started on lice. Or cancer of a million different sorts. Or blindness. Or that I’ll probably go deaf someday…
Gah. I need to stop this now.
NO, STOP, SELF. STOP IT.
It’s not half of my illness as a whole, but those are areas that not only deeply impact my life generally, but specifically my occupational proficiency as well. I deal with these specific anxiety triggers EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. It’s driving me mad.
In addition, my first panic attack came several months ago on the heels of a typical (subdued even!!) social situation for someone my age. Exchanging email takes everything out of me, and I have to vet my text messages (sent to anyone other than my family and exactly two friends) through my husband or mother before I can bring myself to comfortably send them. I pray people don’t answer the phone when I call, so that they have to call back, and I no longer need to make the first conversational move. I avoid my friends because they will ask me to do things that make my anxiety flare, and it all just leaves me, well…
And those are just my more “rational” fears. Not like “Husband d–” No. You know what? I can’t even bring myself to type those. Let’s just summarize that they are both terrifying and irrational.
Due to this, I’m looking for a counselor again, though this is not the first time I’ve tried since my positive experience all those years ago. ADHD often brings with it a host of other possible behavioral/mental health issues, and so I’m combating mine in the best way that I can, especially when my anxiety reaches the point that it can’t be hidden anymore, and the people who love me begin suggesting I take action.
Last year, I saw a counselor very briefly (shortly after I started blogging, actually). It started off fine, but the situation rapidly deteriorated after a few sessions. Honestly, a bad counseling experience isn’t something I want to repeat, but I’m going to have to take the risk. I’ve reached that point.
Anxiety takes so much out of a person that it impacts in 360 degrees, both mentally and emotionally. It spirals. It leaves you drained, and makes it so that when I do have any free time, all I want to do is sit and read Fanfiction and mess around on Twitter rather than face any of my obligations, or even watch anime/blog, which I love! People who make a joke or fad out of mental illness need to stop. Anxiety is not a club. It’s a prison.
To sum it all up, I’m looking for a counselor, trying to get my motivation back, and I can’t make any promises as to how regular my updates will be, but they’ll be there. I might make seven posts in daily succession, or I might have one quality post every two weeks, but I’ll still be around (especially on Twitter, goodness knows) and I’ll still be putting out content. I have seen the results of the Twitter poll, so when content does arrive, you know what it shall tentatively be (as well as other stuff too, because it takes a while to watch a whole series, yeah?).
It really means a lot to me that you guys have stuck it out with me and my shoujo thoughts for this long, and that my blog still gets Google hits and views on days that I don’t post is very reassuring. When I started this little blog, I didn’t think anyone would ever read it, but it’s opened up the door to a world of rambling possibilities for me, and I’m so glad that I’ve met such a supportive community as you all have been. Even though things on the blog are going to be a bit erratic, I don’t want to loose that.
Blogging should always be fun, and it is when I don’t feel pressured. Between work, school, and this anxiety stuff, things have gotten difficult, but they’re manageable with the right help and support. I can do this. None of this is a goodbye or anything, but it is an explanation so you all know what’s going on, and so I could get some things off of my chest.
Maybe I’ll go write another anime post now, or watch a title, or do some work that I NEED to get done, or even lay down and just take a nap.
But what I’ll probably do is go kiss my husband, and hug him, and bask in the knowledge that everything is going to be alright.
With Love and Cream Cheese Danishes,
I probably literally NEED to watch “Sakamoto Desu ga?” right this minute. Maybe I will when I get back from some work obligations tonight.
Or I might have to wait until tomorrow night after a work conference. Either way, it’s happening. I’m rolling. This IS the next thing I’m going to watch, no doubt.